What a relief!

Mambalam Mani now has a chance..

 

WASHINGTON – Apparently the bad boy doesn’t always get the girl. At least in a South American tribe with the highest known murder rate, it turns out that the most aggressive guys end up with fewer wives and children than milder men, according to a report in Tuesday’s edition of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Researchers led by Stephen Beckerman of Pennsylvania State University studied the Waorani of Ecuador, who had their first peaceful contact with outsiders in 1958.

The Waorani had a reputation for killing outsiders and being equally aggressive among one another, being listed as having the highest homicide rate known to anthropology. Indeed, over five generations 42 percent of all Waorani population losses were caused by killing one another and another 8 percent were killed in conflicts with outsiders.

The Global Media & the American Election – A Timeline

Two years ago: Coverage of Obama begins, marking the beginning of a new era in modern media in which hype and hoopla gains a whole new meaning.

One year ago: Media falls completely head over heels for Obama causing the money Obama spent for campaigning redundant. Indian media had no other option but to follow suit. After all they have to chose the path of their Godfathers. Meanwhile, McCain gathers attention too.

3 Months back: Media still frenzied about Obama but found new dolls in Joe Biden & Sarah Palin, whose names too got tossed around liberally. Suddenly US seemed to be a nice place. No reports of Gun shots in school or in downtowns, no girls being abducted, no texas ranch misdeamenours in media. It is all economy and the US elections.

1 Month back: Sarah Palin’s craning the neck to see audience at an angle of 90 degrees to her at the Republic National Convention occupies airwaves as much as Obama’s call for change.

3 Weeks back: Major plasma TV manufacturers would have seen a spike in the number of complaints from consumers about their TV sets retaining static images of Obama or McCain or their names on the screen. This is easily attributable to to the concept of burn-in, that affects pixels when you pause or have the TV showing the same image for too long causing these images to be burned into the pixles of the TV, a conditon that was natural considering the amount of time the images of these people were on channels.

2 Weeks back: The new Glam doll loses its sheen, after it was found that her ideas of experience for Vice-Presidency were rather strange including the much publicized reason of her state’s geographic proximity to Russia. This could give ideas to politicians all around the world including our own Dravidian parties. We could soon have Jayalalitha proclaiming her experience in International relations after dealing with problematic Sri Lanka which is quite clearly visible, if the observer strains a bit, from Rameshwaram.

1 Week back: Media focuses more on Obama including all his relations, dead or alive. Analyze for the millionth time what could possibly go wrong in Obama’s march to the White House and reiterate for the 10,000th time the importance of swing states.

1 day back: People all over the world praying to God and thanking Him, not just for the new Government but also as they believed they will get to see some real news other than US elections. Brats in Chennai who will probably not vote even after turning 18, citing reasons from academic commitments to want of choice in Indian political scene, are exuberant in procaliming that their vote goes for Obama as if the guy in Michigan who got laid off because his job was shipped off to China and India was waiting to hear their opinion.

1 hour back: Media doesnt want to give in that easily. It now analyzes the victory by plotting nice histograms and pie-charts that would actually convince the viewers to think that the anchor is talking about something significant. CNN comes up with unique ways of classifying the voters to and analyzes to find out the preffered candidate of each group. Groups included seniors over 65, first time voters, pregnant women, afro-americans, people who got laid-off in recent months, smokers, rapists, suicide attemptors, con artists, circus trainers, Starbucks lovers, etc., Also, a special report on the new daily activities of the Presidential-Elect (from going to the Gym in the morning) and a new poll enticing the viewers to decide if “Sarah Palin was given the bum’.

1 min back: CNN obviously has had enough of the election and John McCain and now want to focus on challenges ahead of Obama. They talk fervently about how Obama has tough challenges ahead and would be having his first security briefing today. They even manage to hook up to a specialist in Washington DC for expert opinion on what briefing could be about. The expert ends up speculating that it could range from threats to US posed by Iran, the hunt for terrorists in Pakistan and talks about how Clinton and Bush faced big attacks in their first year and so why Obama would be getting prepared for one.

Meanwhile, all NRIs in US who happily supported Obama, by announcing it in Gtalk, Orkut and other public domains, because they ‘care’ are in jubilation. Skeptics like me, who question the point of this valiant exercise, are abused with phrases such as ‘not intelligent enough to follow politics’, ‘you dont care about what is happening. you are lackadaisical’, ‘as an educated person you should be aware of it’ etc., Not that I dont know what is happening, because all channels and newspapers and blogs have been agog with this ‘phenomenon’. Enough has been said and discussed about the pros and cons of having Obama or McCain as next President, that people are all aware of it. But still what is the point in proclaiming ‘Go Obama’, ‘Change has come’ etc. How do you know, for example, change has come? You will know change only after it happens right? Or is just a new party at the helm the ultimate change everyone wanted? Pretty confusing, if you ask me. Because who cares what NRIs think? Americans are going to think what is best for them and decide. And.. oh what the hell! Who am I trying to convince? Damn all.

How to put it?

I could not figure out how to interpret this.

“Puneet Gupta, 23, said he was trying to avoid crowded markets, but his girlfriend, Jyotsna Malhotra, 21, said she was determined not to let it get in the way of her fun. “We are not sure what is going to happen tomorrow,” she said. “Better to live today, shop, get him to spend some money on me.” “

One way is to use the media (& politicians alike) rhetorics and say that it is a sign of India’s resilience in the wake of ‘cowardly acts of terrorism’. Or I can make a wisecrack on  women. Or I have the easier option of criticizing Somini Sengupta for her inappropriate reporting and making light of a horrific incident.

Options are aplenty!

I, the Omnipotent

I am the most powerful of all. I am the richest. I have the most bloated head. I can twist anybody’s arm and dictate terms to everyone. I am all encompassing, all pervading, and have the final word in everything. Dare not cross my path, lest my vendetta strikes you down to dust. I am the BCCI.

‘Electing’ to stay fit

It is safe to assume that Sharad Pawar being the Chairman of BCCI and a MP at the same time will inaugurate the facility by being the first person to run on the treadmill. And of course, the obnoxiously omnipresent Shahrukh Khan might even host an inaugural show where he will perform numbers from his films.

Soli(ci)tude

The problem with going to a restaurant alone is not the long, queasy stares by hand-holding and whispering couples but with the waiter/hostess who seats you as you enter the restaurant and who, inspite of knowing very well that you always come alone, still asks, “Are you by yourself today, Sir?”

On why the media always gets it wrong

Admit it Indian media. You may have the subscription base. But you are not as smart as your white skinned counterparts. Seriously. You cannot be so whimsical. Backing somebody so much and then dumping the person like a bag of trash. Harbhajan was supported to the hilt when he was ‘racially discriminated’ against by Aussies down under. And now he is being trounced by the India media as a vicious person who must be ‘punished’, ‘not to be dealt with softly anymore’, etc. I thought those were declarations reserved by the Australian media who, predictably, are laughing their hearts out.

But there must be a section of people in the Indian contingent who obviously did not like Harbhajan, the hero who became the modern face of India’s fight against racial discrimination so recently, and they joined hands with evil forces from Australia and South Africa, who were keen to see his downfall before his popularity assumes gigantic proportions. They have twisted the facts of events that happened a few days back and as a result our turbanator is made to look like a spoilt brat.

I sequentially analyzed the events that happened in those few hours and have come to the conclusion that Harbhajan is innocent. So is Sreesanth. And so is Amiesh Sahiba. My point is that events were misconstrued deliberately to make Harbhajan look like an offender. It is reported that after the Kings XI won the match, the players on field were shaking hands with their opposition. At this moment, the ever excited Sreesanth went upto Harbhajan and told him, “Hard Luck” which triggered our Sardar to slap the well wisher hard on his cheek. Suspiciously, no video evidence of the slap has so far made its way through the all pervasive internet. This makes it all the more fishy. Added to this is that post-slapping interviews of all concerned and unconcerned players. Harbhajan virtuously declares that he never slapped Sreesanth who in turn clearly states that he never had any ‘gumblaints’ about Harbhajan in the first place. He also goes to say that Harbhajan is like his elder brother who did not slap him but probably just ’shook him in the wrong place’. So for all you morons – the evidence (or the lack of it) is out there. Both parties categorically declining that the event took place unlike the incidents that happened down under, where there were two section with opposing views leading to a hearing to decide who ‘sounded more convincing‘.

If Harbhajan did not slap Sreesanth then what made him cry? Further analysis of the videos reveal the truth. When the players were walking back to the pavilion, an exuberant Preity Zinta was captured on tape to give Brett Lee a bear hug and a light peck on the cheek. Reliable sources have however revealed that she refused to do the same to some of the Indian players. Some of them took umbrage at this and ignored her. But Sreesanth could not bear the insult. His childish sensibilities overcame his self-control and he started crying because of the insult, as well as the lost opportunity to attain instantaneous ‘adulthood’. Infact, Sangakkara who felt so much for this poor chap can even be seen trying to persuade Preity Zinta to give Sreesanth atleast a tap on his head, but to no avail.

Seriously you blighted people in the India media, cant you see that what transpired must have been an unusually delicate matter to have made poor Sreesanth cry. Otherwise, he would have reacted in numerous ways to being slapped as he has in the past like this, this, this or this.

Why I like IPL and hate all ’seth’ pasanga…

The IPL is good. It groups players from different countries in the same teams and makes them play against each other (or with each other depending upon the way you interpret it). This makes those interesting yet commercially drab one-off World XI vs some-other-team XI a regular feature. I do not know how good it is for young players, with Lalit Modi claiming that it would expose fledgling players to professionals and would aid their development. One thing that is certain is that the fielding w(sh)ould improve. Indian players might lift their fielding levels in one match but it would inevitably drop the next match. Competitiveness can cause Indian players to lift their fielding levels on observing opposing teams like Australia and South Africa on the field. But it is a different issue when you have them as your own team mates and you field side by side with them. The embarrassment of letting a ball slip through the hands when the foreign player dives and stops the same should stimulate our ever-ageing players to be more alert (hopefully).

Generally, international tours last forever. Three or more test matches followed by 5 ODIs and all played against the same team. Indian tour of Australia lasted nearly one and a half months. Before they play against a team from West Indies or England, half the side would have changed in the opposition due to injuries, retirement or players being dropped due to lack of form. So either ICC should have test series featuring more than 3 test teams or let the IPL format prevail in all modes of cricket. More fun.

Since the ICC is an inert elephant, we can safely assume it will do nothing. So once again our dear old Lalit will jump into the act and conduct tournaments withing the IPL league in all three formats of the game. All players who swear by their country saying that they put commitment to the national team before anything else will eventually end up in IPL. And this is where the IPL and BCCI become autonomous entities (Yaaay!!) Then the concept of nationality loses credibility. And there will be no more Indian team playing international matches, losing half the time and thereby casting half its fans in anguish and launching the other half into a stoning and burning spree. Instead, fans can cheer for their local teams. Maybe this would cause the people to fight within India. But it is nothing new. People anyways fight within India and so this would serve just as an added reason to fight within ourselves Whenever Bangalore plays Chennai, we can have overwhelming feelings sweeping the two states which can substitute an India-Pakistan match. Chennai fans can raise slogans saying, “We are the Super Kings of land as well as water” whenever we (Chennai) win a match. (Chennai team’s sponsors India Cements can also coin a slogan that goes something like ‘The team is rock solid just like our cement’, though the Bangalore fans might get back at it by saying ‘For making that cement you first need to get water from us’.

Since most of the money in cricket is within India, why let it go to foreign cricket boards in the name of International matches. Lets play league matches within ourselves and keep the revenue to ourselves with a small portion of it given as match fees or contracts to those poor foreign players. Then there will be no need for ICC and even if there is one, nobody will care about it. We can organize matches between our local teams. And like the American concept, whoever wins in the matches between the regional teams will be crowned the ‘World Champions’. It is tough foreseeing India ever on the top of Test or ODI rankings or even the T20 rankings on a consistent basis. So let us have only our regional matches and we would always have some team from India that would be world champions! Win-Win situation.

Ok, so now we have the IPL and I am supporting it fully. So it is time to take stands. Naturally, my l(r)oyalty lies with Chennai. But in neutral matches, I will support some teams. Firstly, I will support any team that plays Mumbai. Reason? Mumbai is the only team in the league that has made all its foreign players naturalized citizens of India by naming itself as ‘Mumbai Indians’ while all the other foreign players in the rest of the teams remain aliens in our Hindustan. Secondly, Mumbai fans are probably the only idiots in the country who chant ‘ganapathi bappa moriya’ during an IPL match when their team was losing. Invoking Hanuman for some reasons is OK. Praying to Ganapathi is not.
I also would support any team that plays the Kolkata Knight Riders team. Mainly, I am sick of Shahrukh Khan and his antics. He comes with a pony tail like a eunuch and dances with cricketers and uses the popularity of cricket to market his movies and himself. Two, it has a name that is so blatantly copied from a show which Shahrukh Khan saw decades ago. Three, the team coach is John Buchannan. I do not like the Kings XI Punjab for similar reasons involving Preity Zinta. I do not like the Deccan Chargers because it is sponsored by Deccan Chronicle which unceremoniously snatched away half the readership from Chennai’s beloved national newspaper The Hindu. Naturally, as a Chennaivaasi I cannot support Bangalore even in my dreams, as not only do they still refuse to give water to TamilNadu but the Bangaloreans (or Bengalooreans) burned effigies of Rajinikanth. As for the Delhi Daredevils and Rajasthan Royals, they were so blinded enough to induct Pakistani batsmen in their teams. So reejeted.

Hmm, finally I guess I have only team that I can support. I should have foreseen this one coming.

*To Chennaivaasis, anybody who comes beyond Gummidipundi are ‘Seth’, just like all North Indians consider people from the south to be Madrasis

My World

For me there is only one city worth living in: Madras (I would occasionally acknowledge the modern name of Chennai) and only one area in Madras that is worth living in: Mambalam. (I would occasionally acknowledge the modern name of West Mambalam). These two constitute the microcosm of the world for me. After visiting numerous cities I have come to the foregone conclusion that Chennai is the best place to be. However, beautiful a city maybe it lacks the charm that the dirty roads of Madras have. However, great the skyline maybe it lacks the garishness offered by the numerous hoardings of political parties and newly released movies alike that adorn Madras. However, kind the people maybe it lacks the warmth of the people you would feel in Madras which is not felt just because of the congestion.

I hate it when people who live abroad (read as US) for a few years (a year in most cases) immediately start talking about Madras in derogatory tones:
1. worst ooru machi, ore pollution
2. auto people are very bad da,
3. enga paathalum koottam,
4. people in US are so nice, they even open the doors for you
5. I can never go back to India. I will get H1b and stay in US
To all these people, I say Up yours. You are considered a permanent resident for a brief period of time at the beginning of every year solely for tax purposes. Once that is over you are an alien again. It does not matter whether you get H1b, green card or a ration card in US or for that matter any country, you are always a alien. The collective public opinion, cleverly shepherded by every Government, would ensure that irrespective of how much hospitable the people are, you would always be treated as a alien (which is logical too).

I find these ‘wannabees’ suddenly wearing national pride on their badges while talking to their American colleagues and elaborate on the increasing dominance of India in fields like IT (And then while talking to fellow Indians, all the complaints about India would rush out). As if every American is proud of the jobs being outsourced, these ‘wannabees’ would trumpet about their burgeoning pride of the increasing supremacy of India. Irrespective of however practical the person you are talking to maybe, deep down inside his or her heart he would feel a prick about those lost jobs (something which the Democrats use as a major agenda for their election). And these retarded ‘wannabees’ feel eternal bliss when a person in Taco Bell says Thank you on buying a one dollar burrito and decide that US is a better place than Madras (or any place in India). Not that I am against the US or any country. In fact US is one of the most tolerant country in the world. Just imagine people from other countries migrating to India and taking up jobs. Our political parties would conduct strike, fasts and RSS would go to the extent of burning the foreigners. But that is another issue.
There are positives and negatives to any place. In Chennai, though you might have to sidestep open potholes, you can atleast walk at night with mind at peace and not worrying if a guy would shoot you to death to steal that one dollar in your pocket. My point is live anywhere in the World you like to. Just do not bad mouth Mambalam, Chennai, and India (specifically in that order). If you do so, I will be there to see that you receive your comeuppance.